Well, I did something pretty illogical to most people. Actually, it was pretty illogical to myself: I ran the Miami Super Spartan (9 miles w/ too many obstacles to count) followed by the Miami Beach 13.1 the next weekend. And now... a celebratory party to honor my accomplishment? No. A pity party (to wallow in my stupidity?). And I'm mad at myself for not feeling the joy of the accomplishment. So, what is it? Why the sadness? Why the desire to never enter another race again?
I think the answer is found in my own exhaustion. I'm just tired. I've trained for months, being careful to eat right and get plenty of rest. I think this "blah" feeling also lies in my own expectations. I had imagined that completing these races would bring me something. My hopes were that somehow I would finish and achieve more than an awesome medal-- that I would find satisfaction. By finishing these races that I had trained so hard for I would feel great, like a champion. Instead, I finished and am left with a "now what?" feeling.
Oh, I'm proud of my accomplishment. But really, anyone who trains could complete the same races I did. Once again I am reminded how training for and running races is so much like life. I continually want more. I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for... I just know that I don't have it yet. But then again, I know what I'm in search of... I want to be better. I want complete and unconditional love. I want no one I love to ever be in pain, or sick, or injured, or dying. I want perfection. I want what I cannot have... at least here on this earth. This experience has been one of the most tangible reminders that God created us with a deep longing so that we would search for Him. And I've found Him, but sometimes I forget that He is enough. I drift and look for satisfaction somewhere else. Thankfully, He never leaves me alone. And so, for now, I will rest. I will adjust my focus once again and make Him my Purpose.