Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Unwritten (Until Now) Rules of Exercise*

Awhile back I penned the wildly popular The Unwritten (Until Now) Rules of Dieting*. I promised a follow up on exercise. So, here it is. Follow these rules exactly, and you will be a well-rounded person.

General:
1. The Look. Do not exercise until you look the part. You must wear name brand clothes-- specifically Nike, Reebok, or Under Armour. Nike for running. Reebok for CrossFitting. Under Armour for general exercise. Women, be sure to wear yoga pants (Lululemon) or running shorts all the time when you are not working out. Men, wear those long board shorts. You must match. Bonus points for clever sayings on your shirt. Double bonus points if they insult everyone else to prove how awesome you are.

2. Gear. The more gear you have, the better you exercise. Gloves, wraps and straps are just the basics. KT tape. You must own it-- in several colors and apply it liberally. And it must match your outfit. A weight lifting belt is necessary any time you touch a barbell. *Elevation Mask. You must have one and wear it. All. the. time.

3. Shoes. You must have a different pair of shoes for every activity. Reebok CrossFit shoes for CrossFit; Olympic weightlifting shoes for lifting; trail running shoes if you go off road; obstacle course racing shoes; regular running shoes... do not ever wear a regular pair of cross training shoes.
Photo courtesy of CrossFit Fly
For Globo Gym Goers (Globo gyms are highly recommended. These are the gyms that have little to no free weights, strict rules about chalk and grunting, a banned lift list, lots of mirrors, AC that's set around 65 degrees and TVs-- lots of TVs.):

4. Free weights. Nah. Why would you make the effort to pick up heavy weights and load them onto bars, when you can just place a pin or flick a switch to increase or decrease the weight you're moving? The exception is for men. You need the squat rack (for your curls) and the bench press-- forget all those fancy leg machines.

5. Machines. Yes, please. Also be sure that you are sitting and resting on the machine before 1) moving to the next machine or 2) doing another set. And be sure to wipe it down when you're done (you're not really sweating, but who knows what kind of microscopic germs are there)!

6. Cardio machines. Slow and easy. If you go too fast, you might not be able to clearly see the TV, read that magazine or update your social media pages.

7. Phones. Keep them with you at all times. Answer every text or notification immediately. Update with selfies. Really, you'll be in the gym for a WHOLE hour!

For CrossFitters:
8. Chalk. Before you even touch a barbell, you must first liberally apply chalk. Everywhere.
9. Rx. Scaling is for babies. Force yourself to do whatever workout is posted as prescribed. Why worry about good form and avoiding injury? I mean, if Rich Froning and Sam Briggs can do it, so can you.

10. Cost. Maybe you just shouldn't CrossFit. Really, you're paying how much to do all that hard work and be bossed around by a coach who's constantly telling you how to perform the moves correctly? And there's all those other people in your box with their enthusiasm and encouragement. Let them pay the monthly fees.

*If you are not fluent in sarcasm, you will want to check out this post for real tips on how to begin.

1 comment:

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